Battle With A Princess

[From Zazzle.com, Created by jsoh]

Raising teenagers. Who feels that pain? Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

And lived to tell about it!

The other day while out for coffee with my friend, we saw an acquaintance of ours. I haven't seen her in almost a year, but it seemed God-ordained that she ran into us. This particular morning she was feeling pretty beat up; she has a just-turned-18-years-old daughter. Need I say more?

This single mom spent about 20 minutes spilling her guts and voicing her frustration over the argument she had that morning with her baby girl. My friend and I sat and nodded because we knew exactly what she was talking about. Hopefully our words were able to strengthen and encourage her for the battle that will surely continue for the next few months.

If you battle with your teenagers, especially girls, take heart - it will NOT last forever. Whew!

When my daughter was in 11th and 12th grades it was the worst. The disrespect from her towards us, me in particular, was beyond my comprehension. I never had a need to talk to my parents the way she felt she had a right to speak to us. It was mind-boggling and heart-breaking.

I remember complaining to friends at the time, saying I was sure she was going to graduate, move away and I would never hear from her again.

They all laughed and said with confidence that in a few years she would be a different person and we would again be close.

They didn't understand: It was bad, she hated me.

I found out it's true. She became a different person and we are now closer than ever.

Going away to college was good for her; she grew up. Change happened, but not all at once. It took a couple of years. But she started to understand how poorly she treated us and where she had been wrong.

I'm by no means a perfect parent and there were plenty of things I could've done differently too, but since her high school graduation 5 years ago, we have built a relationship that is very special to me.

So what do you do with that precious cherub while they're still at home?

First, understand that they don't care that when they graduate everything changes and life at home will "never be this way again".

• As a parent we want to cling to the family unit for as long as possible.
• They are 18 and an "adult" and think they get to do anything they want, which includes NOT being with the family. (We're so uncool!)

Stay calm.

It's much easier to react out of emotion than to just act. I know how angry you are that they haven't washed their clothes in three weeks. I know how frustrating it is to have all their "junk" by the front door. I know what it's like to forget what color their bedroom carpet is. I know it's maddening when they haven't applied for college and it's January. (Hello!)

But yelling isn't going to get it done, it only makes them dig in their heels and rebel. Learn to use a low, calm voice to respond instead of yelling. Speak in a matter-of-fact tone. I've seen it work. When Dad speaks slowly and quietly, the kids respond. Why? Because they know we mean business and they feel respected instead of attacked.

Don't argue.

That goes along with not emotionally reacting. Our little "adults" want to pick fighs with us but don't bite!

One solution is to make a list. (Or multiple lists!)

• What? They're too busy on Facebook to apply for college?
• Naturally we want to nag because we think it helps. It's what moms do!
• "Did you....?" "Did you...?" "Did you...?" "Did you...?"
• "No, Mom! Gosh!"

The list stops the nagging. Make a list of what needs to be done...doing laundry and cleaning by the front door, or what needs to be done for that college application and searching out grants and scholorships. (Your child's guidance counselor will be happy to help you form that list...just don't tell your child you've had communication with school. Gosh! How uncool can you get?)

Then give your "adult" the list and say, "Here's what needs to be done and it has to be done by this date. If it's not, the consequence will be..."

So if Princess doesn't get into college in the fall because she enjoyed her social media, then she will be the one to deal with being left behind from her friends and looking for a full-time job! That's right...no slackin' off in this house!

Learn their love language!

I came across this one a little too late to help me with my daughter, but it will  make a difference. If you know what speaks love to them it will break down walls. It won't make everything perfect, but you will establish the fact that you really do love them. (Which is why we nag and argue in the first place, right?)

• But make sure you're speaking THEIR love language, not yours. If theirs is gifts and yours is touch, it will do no good to give them hugs or shoulder rubs. Bringing home their favorite Starbucks or a special treat will be much better.

And I know this from experience. My love language is touch and every day when my daughter left for school I'd give her a hug. She would stand with her arms at her side, stiff as a board and wait for me to be done. Touch is NOT her love language!

Check out Dr. Gary Chapman's, "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers"

Pray!

Actually, prayer should be the first thing we do! God created our wonderful offspring and He knows exactly what they need and how they operate. Let HIM lead and direct you as you work through everyday problems with them.

• If you have to, begin a 24-hour policy. Hear your kids out then tell them you'll pray about it and think about it and will give them an answer in 24-hours. This will give you time to pray about it, think about it and hear from God on the best way to proceed.

I hope these ideas help you a little bit. I'm no expert like Dr. Dobson, but I have raised a couple of kids. And neither is this an exhaustive list of things you can do, just a few ideas to try. If you ever need a listening ear, let me know.

And I PROMISE...what you're going through will NOT last forever, no matter how much you think they hate you. At some point they will grow and realize you weren't so bad after all! Shoot, you might even be kind of smart!

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